Skin Bottle
Skin Bottle
In the dead of night
Just before dawn
Mourning begins
And the tears are warm
Questions unanswered
From back at the start
There’s no way to know
What lies in another’s heart
Revealed through fire
When it’s all too late
Nothing left to do
But obey and wait
She turned her back
Walked away
From those who loved her
And the world turned grey
The mystery was alluring
The need was strong
Didn’t want to hear
Refused to be wrong
A hollow void
Carved out by a man
Was suddenly filled
With glittering sand
Warm and inviting
Covering every pot hole and sin
But only as long as
There is no gust of strong wind
In love with a shadow
With nothing real to say
So many voices calling
But she wouldn’t stay
Kept enthralled
By a rebels song
A self centered will
A heart headstrong
Choices are made
A path is chosen
Lives become splintered
Bonds are broken
An act of betrayal
Too painful to ignore
No one to beg
No one to implore
The anguish of a mother
A heart come undone
Silent tears of a brother
Wanting to run and run
A sisters every fear
Realized in a night
No one to go to
To make it alright
The die was cast
The stone was set
So now it’s time to move on
Time to let live and forget
There is no question
When it’s black and it’s white
You must go on
Though it feels a hopeless plight
This mourning will pass
Though it may dawn again
But it’s not unnoticed
And it’s not in vain
Tears and heartache
For a just cause
Won’t go unanswered
Or fall without reward
For nothing is impossible
There is a mountain of proof
When we put our trust
In the God of all truth
He knows the pain of betrayal
That bites deep like a knife
He knows it wounds and scars
That it changes your life
He’s lost love too
And knows the anguish
So he won’t forget us
Our fear he can vanquish
With care and affection
Our wounds he will bind
Our hurts will be lessened
It just takes some time
In a skin bottle
Is where he stores all our tears
Surely he does the same
With our pain and our fears
So let go and move on
Though weary through the night
Sure that hope remains
To those who try to do what is right
He’s not looking for perfection
He’s looking for love
Those that love may fall
But he’s keeping watch from above
When you’re crawling
When you’re stumbling around
He’s there beside you
Helping pick you up off the ground
So take the hand he is offering
Let him pull you near
You’ll feel his warm assurance
As he collects up all your tears
Know he feels our pain
When he sees our sorrow
And he promises an everlasting
And happy tomorrow
Rach
2009
“Those sowing seed with tears, will reap even with a joyful cry.”
– Psalms 126:5
“Jehovah is near to those broken at heart;
And those who are crushed in spirit he saves.”
– David, Son of Jesse, Psalms 34:8
“With men this is impossible,
but with God all things are possible.”
– Jesus Christ, Matthew 19, 26
The Paupers Prize
The Paupers Prize
I have a tale to tell
A story the wise will listen to
A fairy tale nightmare
Told from a cautionary view
It’s the story of a Princess
And a Pauper too
The Princess wanted something
That the Pauper came to rue
Never stand between
A Princess and her Prize
Or she’ll use her sharpened tongue
To gauge out your eyes
She’ll send her witless courtiers
To torture you to death
And her witchy mother
With her poisonous breath
A Princess gets what she wants
No matter what the price
Even if it means slaughter
With charm and with lies
Her smile is sweet as saccharine
A most cunning device
But all the time she’s plotting
Your imminent demise
She’ll flatter you so sincerely
All the while concealing a knife
So if you have any sense
You’ll run for your life
She’ll take your magic mirror
She’ll steal your golden hope
She’ll lock you in a dungeon
Leave you dangling on a rope
While her court jesters entertain
With music and with joke
Your home she’ll be burning
To ashes and smoke
As she prances and poses
In glittering gowns and jewelled shoes
She sweeps everything away
With her killer baby blues
She’ll do the merry dance
She’ll sing the siren song
A Princess can do anything
And she’s never wrong
What she wants she always gets
With absolutely no exception
She makes sure her subjects
Give her all their attention
Everything shiny, sparkling, new
Everything outwardly sugar and spice
But in reality everything inside
Is malice, creepy crawlies and lice
So she’ll rampage and rage
Until she’s conquered and won
And where can a poor Pauper
Hope to run?
For a shallow soul
With calculated ambition
Will not see
And why should she listen?
A spoilt Princess
Rules with an iron hand
She does not care
And she can’t understand
So she sent her assassins
Who killed with stories and lies
So she could take what she coveted
The Paupers Prize
But the day the Pauper died
Was a beginning and an end
The Princess took her treasure
And the Pauper lost a friend
Now she’s preening in her mirror
Crowing over her Prize
The Princess hides so confidently
Behind her practised disguise
She polishes her crown
A confection of cardboard and glitter
She displays all the paste Jewels
She had made so perfectly to fit her
She must appear the perfect Princess
For she desires to become a Queen
So to keep her prestige and power
She stomps on Golden Mean
But for all her cold castles
And despite her wind up marching band
Her rampaging royal rump
Has been built on shifting sand
One day a perfect storm
Will wash it all away
All her subjects will be gone
Her kingdom left in disarray
No more glittering jewels
No more courtiers and witchy mother
No more disguises
No where to run for cover
She’ll find herself exposed
As an ugly crooked crone
Sitting cackling toothless
On a rusty tin throne
So the lesson is clear
The moral is this:
Never trust a Princess
One day you’ll discover – she’s a witch
Rach
2008
“Woe to you… hypocrites! Because you resemble whitewashed graves which outwardly indeed appear beautiful but inside are full of dead men’s bones”
– Jesus Christ, Matthew 23:27
“Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street”
– Elbert Hubbard
Smiling Searching Thinking Knowing
Smiling Searching Thinking Knowing
Smiling in the sunshine
Searching for a reason
Looking for a clue
Thinking about times past
Remembering those words
I’m thinking about you
Thinking if I were yours
What would you do?
It’s all too deep for you
Knowing you want easy
You want light
You want shiny and new
Thinking you wouldn’t be there
As I need you to be
I’ve seen the preview
Knowing you want acceptance
You want definition
Knowing you can’t take blue
Thinking of your shadows
Of your corners too
I have too clear a view
There’s nowhere to slide
Nowhere to blend
I see right on through
I don’t wear blinders
I don’t do masks
I won’t ignore what’s true
Knowing you can’t duck
You can’t hide
I’m looking straight at you
Thinking in the sunshine
Smiling in the warm
Taking in the view
Knowing it’s too late
Thinking of the things I’ll miss
Knowing I’ll miss you
2008
Rach
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life….
You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts.
Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
– Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
Last Chorus Last Song
Last Chorus Last Song
I don’t know what I feel
I don’t know why I cry
I don’t know what these tears are for
When we already said goodbye
I don’t know what to think
I don’t know what to say
I didn’t see it coming
When we already went our own way
Is it the end of an era
Is it the beginning of the past
Is it the questions left unanswered
That make me feel this at last
Is it the memories that linger
Is it the feeling still there
Is it the smile in my heart
That finally lays it all bare
The heart is a funny thing
The heart fools and lies
The heart finds a way back
Even after all the goodbyes
The heart may still be weeping
The heart may still miss that face
The heart might still be wounded
Even when you’re in a truly happy place
So this is the final goodbye
So this is the final so long
So these are the last notes
The last chorus of the last song
A smile lingers as fall those last tears
A last chord plays and fades softly away
And a wish, a hope, goes out to the universe
It’s a brand new song, a brand new day
Rach
2008
“Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones”
– Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
“True love stories never have endings”.
– Richard Bach
“The music may have stopped
but my heart beats to another tune,
this rhythm called love”
– A.C. Van Cherub
Out That Door
Out That Door
When you walked away
When you walked out that door
I thought my life was over
Thought I’d sorrow forever more
I would sit alone and cry
My heart in pieces in my hand
Too tired to fight
Too broken to stand
I gave it all
Gave my life, my soul, my heart
Gave you everything
All I had, right from the start
I would have given my life
If it meant saving yours
You were the reason
You were the cause
I lived for your smile
Lived for your laugh and love
I thought we were forever
Thought we would rise above
But I was wrong
You never loved me
I was blinded
A fool who just couldn’t see
Love isn’t love
When it intentionally causes pain
Love doesn’t think only of self
Only about what it can gain
Love keeps on trying
Love gives more than it takes
Love tries to make better
The other persons heart aches
But that wasn’t you
It was always only me
And it took a heart stabbed over and over
Before I could see
You gave me away
In the blink of an eye
Left me alone
Left love to fade away and die
You didn’t care
You didn’t think of my pain
You left me there
Left me in the cold dark rain
I was a shadow
A nothingness in your mind
A muted voice
When it came to me – you were blind
But life is never over
For a heart that is true
There is always a tomorrow
Always a new and more beautiful view
I find now I’m wiser
And I’m braver
And when I look back at you
I see now – you did me a favor
When you went your way
With selfish abandon
You opened to me to a future
I had never planned on
Freed of your shackles
I wandered confused and blind
Until I stumbled heedlessly into love
The forever after kind
The sweetest snare
The most comfortable place
I could finally see a future
Written in every line of that face
I could see with a new clarity
And now I know
How the rest of my story
Is sure to go
No more tears and pain
No more pointless tomorrow
Nothing to doubt
Nothing to sorrow
A love that’s true
Radiant and real
With a man not afraid
To feel what I feel
I’ve found my home
So easy, so free
A place where I can breathe
Where I can truly be me
A hand to hold
Through every dark winters night
A voice to laugh with
When life’s sun is smilingly bright
A heart that sings
In tune with mine
A soul that brings a beat
To all my rhyme
Eyes that can see
Straight through to my heart
Beside me every day
Even if oceans should keep us apart
This is the end of a story
An epic tale
Where the good triumph
As the evil fail
Heroes struggle to the end
Through despair and night
Through many dark perils
Until they find the light
I struggled in loneliness
Wrapped up in a mask
Ten years of not knowing
Which questions to ask
Ten years of despair
Disguised with a laugh
Stumbling blindfolded
Groping along an impossible path
And even before that
I longed to roam
For I always felt like an outcast
In the place I called home
They never really knew me
They just passed on by
And I always knew
I had to go, had to fly
For I knew out there
Somewhere under the same moon
Some one was looking up
Asking God for a boon
Under some distant set of stars
Someone was asking for me
Calling out across
Some storm tossed sea
I heard that call
But on my way to him
I came across you
And I fell to your whim
I followed you down
Through valleys of thorn and mire
Through howling storms
And searing fire
But now I’m on the other side
Looking back through the pain
A phoenix rising
Born from the ashes and flame
I am grateful
For all the lessons you taught me
Thank you for where I am
Thank you for where you’ve brought me
I can’t regret the past
The when and the how
For look at the outcome
Look at me now
I’ve found my future
I know who I am
I’ve faced the good and the bad
And I know how to stand
I’ve found my love
I’ve found where I belong
For I found that soul
That was calling out to me all along
Now I’m never alone
Never again anymore
So thanks be to you
For walking out that door
Rach
2008
“Trust in Jehovah and do what is good;
Reside in the earth, and act with faithfulness.
Find exquisite delight in Jehovah,
And he will grant you the desires of your heart.”
– Psalm 37:3-4, David, Son of Jess
“When one door closes another door opens;
but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door,
that we do not see the ones which open for us. “
– Alexander Graham Bell
“Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely
and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Hope begins in the dark,
the stubborn hope that if you just show up
and try to do the right thing,
the dawn will come”
– Anne Lamott
“The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.”
– Winston Churchill
“Your heart has been sore wounded too.
Dear Light, love shall cherish you,
till you again look on life with happy eyes.”
– Byron Caldwell Smith, letter to Kate Stephens
Good Enough
Good Enough
Once Upon a time
I thought you were my prince
You were Mr. Perfect
Of that I was convinced
I thought you were clever
I considered you wise
You were so wonderful
A treasure, a fantastical prize
You weren’t a flirt
And you wouldn’t hide
You were exactly like me
I thought with naive pride
You were my friend
You would look out for me
And one day you’d carry me off
On your dashing white steed
I imbued you with all the qualities
Of the man I imagined you to be
I thought you were the one
The only one for me
And although the question niggled
Was I good enough for you?
I never picked up
Just asking that should’ve been a clue
Then once upon a time
I woke up to watch helpless as you ran
I heard lying words on your lips
And realised my prince was made of sand
There was no Mr. Perfect
In fact, there was no man
There was just a boy
And his big marching band
You had to keep up
You had to sing along
You feared to be different
And so you just marched on and on
You weren’t looking out for me
There was no dashing steed
There was just you
And there was just me
At the time I was crushed
Disappointed to realise
You were just as flawed as me
You were no fantastical prize
But looking back I laugh
Because now I plainly see
The question I should’ve been asking was:
Were you good enough for me?
Rach
2008
“He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt.
He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.”
~ Albert Einstein
“A man must consider what a rich realm he abdicates when he becomes a conformist.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands.
But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides,
and following them you will reach your destiny.”
– Carl Schurz, address, Faneuil Hall, Boston, 1859
“Bachelors’ wives and old maids’ children are always perfect.”
– Nicholas Chamfort
Secluded Corner
Secluded Corner
Do you ever think of me,
In some secluded corner of your mind?
Or do you avoid going there,
Not wanting to examine what you’ll find?
Do you wonder about my life these days?
Do you wonder what I’m doing now?
Or is the shadow of me,
Not something you can allow?
Do you ever wonder why?
Wonder what could’ve been?
If things hadn’t happened?
If we could’ve seen?
Do you ever hear the notes of a song,
Something familiar that begins to play,
And instantly memories of me flood in,
Memories from back in the day?
Do you ever regret the things you did?
The things you didn’t say?
Do you ever regret,
That you let me walk away?
Do you ever think of me and smile?
And someone catches it and asks why?
But you just shrug and change the subject
Or make up some lie?
Are you really happy?
Is your life everything you thought it would be?
Or at the end of every day dream,
Do you still come drifting back to me?
Do you ever see my picture,
And wish you could hear my voice?
Do you ever think about what happened?
Do you regret your choice?
Do you ever see someone,
And you think for an instant that it’s me?
Does your heart skip a beat?
Do you find it hard to breathe?
Do you recall my scent?
The softness of my hair?
Do you still see the light in my eyes,
As I laid my heart bare?
Do you have me tucked away?
In that secluded corner of your mind?
The place no one else lives.
The place no one else can find.
Do you still dream of me?
Every dark, moonless, stormy night?
Do you ever wish you could take it back?
Do you ever wish you could make it right?
Do you think of the things we did together,
And wish we could have those times again?
That this time round it wouldn’t be for nothing?
That it wouldn’t be in vain?
Do you feel it now?
Somewhere way down deep?
That you should’ve done things differently?
Or do you just let sleeping dogs sleep?
Do you regret that you listened?
That you let others have such a big say?
Do you wish now you’d carried on?
Do you wish you’d carried me away?
Do you wonder if I think of you?
If I drift to you once in a while?
Do you wonder if I remember?
And if the memory makes me smile?
Do you picture me looking out some window somewhere?
Not really seeing the view.
Because in my mind I’m adrift,
Drifting in memories of you
Do you wonder if I have regrets?
Or if I’d do it all over again?
Of would I do things differently?
Would I take safety over pain?
Do you wish you could ask me?
Do you wonder if I’d understand?
Do you wonder if you lost the best version of your life?
The version that for a moment you held in your hand?
But I guess you’ll never know.
And I guess neither will I.
So we’ll always wonder,
We’ll always have a ‘why’?
There will always be that secluded corner,
That locked place in your mind.
The place you’ll always visit.
The place I’ll always find.
Rach
2008
“One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.”
– Emily Dickinson, “Time and Eternity”
“We do not remember days; we remember moments.”
– Cesare Pavese, “The Burning Brand”
“Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. “
– The Wonder Years
No More, No More
No More, No More
This is the last time
A last encore
No more weeping for you
No more, no more
Every time I think
That my tears are done
I find myself on the floor
As the salt water runs
Running down my face
Washing everything away
Away every memory
Of every happy day
Falling into oblivion
Falling running pouring down
Emotions pooling on the ground
A life left there to drown
This is the last time
I promise I swear
The jar is empty
The cupboard is bare
A life stripped down
And swept away
Nothing left to lose
Nothing to give away
Promises that were given
Were given in vain
A heart afflicted
Afflicted again and again
Sliding and falling
Slip sliding away
Hope sighing and whispering
And then fading away
I was wrong so wrong
Wrong in every way
Truth a fearsome warrior
That memories slay
A life slaughtered
Mourned without a wake
Nothing left to give
Nothing left to take
Nothing left but dust
Dust and decay
And when summer rains fall
Its all washed away
Now crying eyes are tired
Tired and sore
Every emotion has washed them
Washed them red raw
So this is the last time
Tears will stain this floor
No more weeping for you
No more, no more
2007
Rach
“Do not give what is holy to dogs
Nor throw your pearls before swine,
So that they may never trample them under their feet
And turn around and rip you open.”
– Jesus Christ, Matthew 7:6
Liar
Liar
You said there was no interest
Although your actions said you did
But instead of owning it
You ran and hid
You said you had no intentions
And maybe that was true
I had no intentions either
Just feelings that you grew
You couldn’t meet my eyes
As the truth went up in flame
And though you knew your part
You let me take all the blame
Liar, liar
When are you gonna see
You can try to hide from it
But it’s the truth that sets you free
You were playing with my heart
While you were singing with the choir
But in that instant I saw you
Saw through to the liar
You think I didn’t know
Didn’t feel the truth?
I have your unguarded words
Words of proof
Giving me your time
When no one else could see
Giving me the feeling
Your feelings were only for me
Liar, liar
When are you gonna see?
You might not understand it
But it’s the truth that sets you free
Something was alive
Whenever we met
Something was whispering
Something hard to forget
Electricity in the air
Felt it crackling there
So I named that feeling
Laid it open, laid it bare
There is no shame in speaking
In feeling something true
The things left unspoken
Are the things you come to rue
Liar, liar
When are you gonna see
You can deny it
But it’s the truth that sets you free
When I finally saw the truth
Hiding there behind your lies
I saw the end
So I said my goodbyes
I joined in your lie
I let you go
Let it all get taken
By gossips undertow
I acted the part
You gave me to play
Watching from above
As love became foam atop a tidal wave
Liar, liar
When are you gonna see
You can try to run
But it’s the truth that sets you free
They all think you’re perfect
Think you’re the ‘it’ guy
They put you on some pedestal
Away, way up high
But you aren’t that person
I’ve seen you lie
But that’s the thing with love
It has a truthful eye
Love sees strength and weakness
It sees what’s real
But it hopes and restores
It forgives and heals
Liar, liar
When are you gonna see
You might not believe it
But it’s the truth that sets you free
One day you’ll become
More than you are today
One day you’ll have the courage
To say all the words you want to say
You won’t let others dictate
Or write out your lines
You won’t let fear bind you
Keep you locked in its confines
But right now you’re a liar
And I am not a fool
So I’m letting the lie be the truth
I’m letting the truth be the rule
Liar, liar
When are you gonna see
Though it might hurt for a while
It’s the truth that sets you free
Rach
2007
“We tell lies when we are afraid…
afraid of what we don’t know,
afraid of what others will think,
afraid of what will be found out about us.
But every time we tell a lie,
the thing that we fear grows stronger”
– Tad Williams
“A lie will easily get you out of a scrape,
And yet, strangely and beautifully,
Rapture possesses you
When you have taken the scrape
And left out the lie”
– Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment
Mist
The Mist
Like the silently drifting mist
Sometimes I wonder if I really exist
I seem to live in some never never land
Too long I’ve been standing in this sinking sand
Cos I’ll always be there for you
Be the rock that will see you through
Catch the tears as you cry
Take the blows, be your fall guy
Keep all your secrets and believe all your lies
Forgive the things others would despise
Be there through the thick and the thin
Take the burden and won’t give in
I’ll be your clown on a dark day
Take you in when everyone else turns away
Believe that you can and you will
Climb with you that rough and rocky hill
I’ll take your stupid and your smart
Set you on high, set you apart
Make you sing and make you dance
I’ll always give you another chance
But in the end it won’t matter
As I’m left alone, left to shatter
Turning your back you’ll walk away
And nothing I ever did will make you stay
You won’t see me standing there behind
Because you look for what you’ll never find
You won’t care that I’m loyal and true
All you’ll ever see in the mirror is you
I can stand right by your side
Chasing away the fears you hide
I can tangle around your feet
Feel your pain, feel your heart beat
But you won’t feel the touch of my hand
You won’t see my shadow where you stand
Never able to shout loud enough for you to hear
I’m too transparent, too sheer
For I’m the mist that can’t touch or hold
No matter how it caresses and tries to enfold
Everything moves on and passes through
No matter what a gentle mist might do.
Rach
2007
“With someone loyal
You will act in loyalty.”
– Psalm 18:25
Broken
Broken
Ignoring my please and my cries
Immune to the tears in my eyes
He threw away my love and took my life
He may as well have carved out my heart with a knife
Would have given my life to save his
But he left me alone and gave me this
Turned his back, walked away, didn’t care
Left me drowning in grief, suffocating in despair
And now he comes again dragging me back
More pain to inflict, old wounds to stab
With more sins to hide and lies to tell
He’s taking me with him, down to hell
Eyes shut to the neon crimson of my pain
A heart broken in pieces all over again
Torn and bleeding scattered across the floor
I just can’t take any of it anymore
How many times can one soul die
Drowning in the tears tired eyes have cried?
How many times spent alone in an endless night
Before a crushed spirit gives up the fight?
How much loss do I have to take?
Weeping at this funeral without a wake?
These hot pokers keep stabbing through
I never saw them coming, I never knew
How many times must the innocent pay?
Cos these snapping dogs just won’t go away
Lost everything that ever mattered
Now they come to crush a soul already shattered
Want to sleep where it’s safe and warm
Just can’t take the bitter cold anymore
Can’t run, can’t hide, can’t cry, can’t scream
Can’t wake up from this nightmare dream
All the things I thought I knew
Burned to ashes, leaving just what’s true
The dreams, the hopes, what I believe
Are washed away by tears as I grieve
Feeling like I can’t go on
How long must I sing this heartbreak song?
How can I win when it’s all so wrong?
Just been struggling alone for far too long.
Rach
2007
~ written when sorely in need of a ‘eucatastrophe’ ~
“I coined the word ‘eucatastrophe’: The sudden happy turn in a story which pierces you with joy that brings tears… I concluded by saying that the Resurrection was the greatest ‘eucatastrophe’ possible in the greatest Fairy Story – and produces that essential emotion: Christian joy… it comes from those places where joy and sorrow are at one, reconciled, as selfishness and altruism are lost in love.”
– J. R. R. Tolkien
A Heart
A Heart
In the end everyone betrays you
That’s the way I felt
After those words you spoke
After those cards you dealt
Because I thought you knew me
I really did
But I was wrong
For I couldn’t see the cards you hid
It’s not so much what you said
It’s more that you felt you had to say it
Cos I knew I didn’t have the hand
So I never would have played it
You looked me straight in the eyes
And you told a lie
But I refused to join you
And I refused to cry
I let you go easy
I let you walk away
I knew there was nothing I could have said
To change the game in play
But as soon as that door closed
As soon as your footsteps faded away
The walls came crashing in
And how long I bled I cannot say
You changed the game half way through
Something I didn’t see
I never would have believed it
I never would have believed ‘we’ couldn’t be
You couldn’t see the heart you held
And I didn’t see the joker
I thought the game in play was five hundred
But apparently we were playing poker
But I don’t feel betrayed anymore
I’m happy and I’ve moved on
Because after I threw in my hand
The stars still came out and the sun still shone
So I may be not be your Queen of Hearts
But you are not my King
A new hands been dealt now
And who knows what tomorrow will bring
I still may not win every trick
I still may not see the bluff
But I’ll always have a heart in my hand
And that’s going to be enough
Rach
2006
“It’s so easy to fall in love
But hard to find someone
Who will catch you”
– Anon
Miss You More
Miss You More
I went down to the sea
I stared out over the water
I sat for a while as the wind blew
I walked along the shore
And it just made me miss you more
I went out for a while
I paced fast and long
I played my music loud
I jogged back to my door
And it just made me miss you more
I went out for a long drive
I drove for miles far away
I went to places I’d never been
I made that engine roar
And it just made me miss you more
I went to see a funny movie
I laughed right out loud
I laughed till tears ran down
I laughed right to my core
And it just made me miss you more
I went out with my friends
I drank wine and we ate
I listened and I talked
I felt my spirit lift and soar
And it just made me miss you more
I sat home all alone
I listened to music soft and light
I went to bed and tossed and turned
I lay awake till four
And it just made me miss you more
I caught a train to go to work
I was jostled by the crowd
I had to stand all the way
I stood right by the door
And it just made me miss you more
I went into the bustling city
I walked down to the Quay
I wandered paths, parks and gardens
I was charmed by all I saw
And it just made me miss you more
I looked out to the harbor heads
I saw waves smash against cliff and stone
I saw white wash and sunshine
I saw ships sailing to a distant shore
And it just made me miss you more
I stood out on my balcony
I gazed at the heavens wheeling over head
I saw a shooting star streak
I was filled with awe
And it just made me miss you more
I have found no cure
I haven’t discovered a way
I constantly recall and remember
I haven’t the heart to ignore
And it just makes me miss you more
2006
Rach
For A While
For A While
You were a jerk
You were a lad
You made me laugh
You were a cad
Made me confused
Made me mad
Made me despair
Made me sad
I wasn’t forever
Just your latest fad
But for all that…
…I’m still glad
You made me happy
Made me smile
Gave me hope for a while
You were a coward
You ran and hid
You made me your patsy
When you did what you did
You made me angry
You made me livid
Made me furious
Made me lose it
Made me crazy
Made me bear it
But for all that…
…I’m still missing it
You made me happy
Made me smile
Gave me hope for a while
You were my friend
You were a lie
You made me weep
You made me cry
Made me feel
Made me sigh
Made me question
Made me wonder why
Made me truthful
Made me lie
But for all that…
…I’m still alive
You made me happy
Made me smile
Gave me hope for a while
Rach
2006
Stupid Game
Stupid Game
Thought if there was anyone I could trust
It’d be one of us
Someone who’d been through the storm
Been through the rain
Someone who knew the pain
But I was wrong
You’re just another ‘done me wrong’ song
You’re just the same
It’s a different storm but the same old ship
Same old howling wind
Same old could’ve been
You made me finally believe
Thought I’d found my reprieve
But you’re just another guy
Looking to have his cake and eat it too
With no intention to follow through
You painted pretty pictures
With your invisible ink
Then wiped them all away and left me to sink
Wanted the prize but not the work
You left me here bleeding
You left me here alone you jerk
You’ve made me bitter
You’ve made me hurt
I’ve cried tears over you that you don’t deserve
I didn’t think you would play a game
But you did
And even so you won’t take any blame
You refuse to face my pain
We should be above all this
Above the Judas kiss
You talked the talk
But weren’t prepared to walk the walk
So you ran and you hid
You weren’t made to face what you did
You went back to your little world
Where no accusations could be hurled
Where no one would lay any blame
Where you can hide in cowardly shame
At least I now know what you are
So there’ll be no permanent scar
It’s just a shame
It was all just some stupid game
Rach
2006
I Don’t Want
I Don’t Want
I don’t want to miss you
But I do
I don’t want to care
But I don’t know how not to
I don’t want to cry anymore
But the tears just flow
I don’t want to hurt anymore
But the pain won’t go
I don’t want to call you up
Just to hear your voice
I don’t want to have you in my heart
But it seems I don’t have a choice
I don’t want to picture you
Every second thought
I want to say good bye and let you go
Like everyone says I ought
I don’t want this awful emptiness
To be so deeply sad
I wasn’t looking to feel this
And that I do makes me mad
I don’t want or need this
I’ve been through beyond enough
That this has happened to me so soon
Is just too rough
I don’t want this weeping soul
Tears falling till eyes can’t see
I wish I’d never met you now
I wish I were free
Rach
2006
Good Bye, Good Bye
Good Bye, Good Bye
I told a lie
I set you free
I didn’t want guilt
Binding you to me
I waved you off
I said good bye
Farewell my friend
Good bye, good bye
You’ve gone for good
And now I’m blue
You’re in my heart
I still miss you
Didn’t want this pain
Didn’t need this now
Go on to where?
Get over you how?
You’d made up your mind
You had to be free
You didn’t take the chance
The chance to see
You didn’t say why
You didn’t tell me
Why you gave up
Why we couldn’t be
But like a fool
I had fallen in
Already gave my heart
Already given in
Now there’s a gap
Where you should’ve been
Wish I hadn’t met you
Wish I hadn’t seen
Just want to understand
Why you walked out
Why you gave up
What was that all about?
Wish you could say
Wish you could shout
Take away the pain
Take away the doubt
Tell me a lie
Help my heart see
Cos this searing pain
Has blinded me
Please wave me off
Explain to me why
Then I’ll honestly tell you
Good bye, good bye
Rach
2006
“If we must part forever, give me but one kind word to think upon,
and please myself with, while my heart’s breaking”
– Thomas Otway
You Can’t See
You Can’t See
You look at me
But you can’t see
Who I really am
You got your life
All mapped out
You got your master plan
You think I’m tough
That I can take it
That I’m your biggest fan
But you can’t see
The tears I’ve cried
Or the places where I ran
You hide yourself
Scared of the truth
And so you live a sham
You look in the mirror
But you can’t see
The boy for the man
This world revolves
Around the sun
Not you and your big plan
This girl’s circling
Far above
Looking for a place to land
I’m telling you now
I’m done with it
I won’t take less than
But you can’t see
I won’t be crying
No not ever again
I won’t be crushed
Or cast away or
Changed from what I am
But you can’t see
My only want
Is to be loved for who I am
Why should I accept
Second best
And castles built on sand?
But you can’t see
Whoever has this heart
Has the world in his hand
I won’t be here forever
Waiting for you
To finally make a stand
Because you can’t see
I’m worth the fight
I really truly am
I deserve a guy
Who can look me in the eye
As he takes my hand
So I won’t be sitting
Pining and wishing
That you were that man
You may not be
What I thought
And to face that I can
So get it on
Or leave me be
Or whatever your big plan
For you can’t see
I’m happy to live
Exactly as I am
The future beckons
But you will see
I’m taking it by the hand
Rach
2006
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”
– E. E . Cummings
And I
And I
Who was that
Standing at my door?
And I…
I wonder what you came here for
You’re a casual flirt
A bit of a lad
And I…
I won’t be doing this again
Quietly falling apart
Breaking inside
And I…
I have never been in so much pain
I was an idiot
A starry eyed fool
And I…
I have no one but myself to blame
You’re not giving me another thought
You’re long gone
And I…
I will never be the same
You made me realise
You made me see
And I…
I won’t be hushed
You made me grow
You forced me to know
And I…
I won’t again be quick to trust
You were playing for fun
But never to win
And I…
I know now what to look for
If you are trying to lose
You will and you did
And I…
I am shutting the door
Rach
2006
Already Gone
Already Gone
I can’t look anymore at your face
Don’t wanna see that familiar place
The way you are is just too unfair
When I’m here and you’re there
I can’t take the way you laugh
Just don’t wanna start down that path
‘Cos it’s too distant and so far away
When I don’t know if its here to stay
You speak words straight to my heart
Always have right from the start
I can’t take it anymore
Not when I don’t know the score
Seeing your life over there
The way you really seem to care
Too late I see its got me bad
And I realize I’m beyond stupid and mad
‘Cos if you decide in a few days from now
I’m not what you want and throw in the towel
My heart just ain’t gonna take it
I know your goodbye could really break it
How could I be such a fool?
Why do you have such a pull?
Risking so much hurt and pain
This isn’t any casual game
I think my heart is already gone
Within weeks it up and said so long
I don’t really know how you feel
But for me its all too painfully real
So I’ve put it all on the line
Hoping and praying it will all be fine
I’ve thrown it to the wind that blows
Taken a chance and I’ll see how it goes
I hope you know your own heart
Otherwise there should never have been a start
Hope its steady and for real
‘Cos my own heart is a done deal
Rach
2006
If I Had Only
If I Had Only
If I had only said I loved you,
If I ever kissed that grin,
I would have enjoyed that moment.
I would do it all again.
If I had only listened better,
If I wiped away your tears,
I would bring you heartfelt pleasure
That you would feel for many years.
If I had only cherished your kindness,
If I only embraced your care,
I would not have felt so blinded.
I would still have you here.
If I had only taken the time
To grant you at least one chance,
I would experience the success
Of having with you the perfect romance.
Contributed by:
Mr Anon
Lead Heart
Lead Heart
Thunder rolling in the night
Crashing waves
And pouring rain
Emotions toss my little boat
And I can’t take the pain
Howling winds telling me
Of times and tides and nights
Tales hard to hear
Dredged from ocean depths
Sunken ships of yesteryear
My heart is heavy
It beats like lead
I can’t stand to fight
I need a guide to steer me
Through this endless night
For though I saw the rocks
Looming there ahead
They weren’t real
Until with jarring abruptness
They splintered up my keel
Memories dull
But hurt sharply stings
As it rolls around my brain
Long shadows cast
By the flashing lighthouse of my pain
Still resisting with tattered will
I’m bound and gagged
Held prisoner to fate
Shackled to a sinking ship
Cast free a little too late
Standing out on the deck
All around a storm tossed sea
I teeter on the brink
Knowing when I fall
This lead heart will help me sink
Then storm clouds part
As drifting like a dream
The moon sails free
Silvery path cast over dark waters
A gentle whisper calling to me
So take my heart
And melt it down
And finally set me free
For I won’t need it
To float atop the restless sea
Rach
2006
Crash
Crash
Crash crash crash
Hear the sea roar
Crash crash crash
Crashing to the shore
Crash crash crash
Wind howls keeping score
Crash crash crash
Watch the downpour
Crash crash crash
Water dripping to the floor
Crash crash crash
Shuttered windows closed door
Crash crash crash
I’ve been here before
Crash crash crash
No warmth any more
Crash crash crash
The unwinnable war
Crash crash crash
What was it all for?
Rach
2006
Breathe & Burn 
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