A Raconteur Girl Production

Posts tagged “grief

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Lilacs for Lucy

 

Resting Under Lilacs Collage

 

Lilacs for Lucy

 

 

Lilacs for Lucy

Blooming so delicately

Nanna didn’t want flowers

Who wants flowers

When you can have a whole tree?

 

A bouquet may be lovely

But as soon as its cut – it’s dying

A tree is the opposite

Growing, breathing

Part of creation, thriving

 

So it’s Lilacs for Lucy

It’s a tree for my Nanna

A tree for your Mum

A tree for your Friend

A tree for your Great Grandmother

 

When I think of Nanna

I picture a garden home

Messy, rambling, beautiful

Where veggies are planted next to flowers

And where wild nasturtiums roam

 

Green through and through

From her thumbs to her toes

Like a Hobbit from Derbyshire

It seemed to me

Things grow wherever Nanna goes

 

Walking in her garden I hear a canary whistle

Then break into trilling song

I hear the soft shuffle of quails

And the flutter of finches

Chirping and dancing along

 

I see Nanna sitting by a fire

Lost in knit and pearl

Her needles click clacking away

She’s making warm woollen socks

For some lucky little girl

 

Other times I see her wearing black rimmed glasses

Engrossed in a riveting tale

A cup of tea poured

But then forgotten

Growing cold on the table

 

Will I see Nanna again?

Sitting peaceful by her fire once more?

Yes, I know I will

But in the meantime I have my memories

And the stories passed down from days of yore

 

(Ok, so maybe I exaggerate

They’re not exactly days of Yore

More like days of yesteryear.

No? Still insulting? Ok, sorry. I’ll be more specific:

The days of Mom, Uncle Tom, Uncle Mike and Uncle George

😉  )

 

I remember being fascinated by Nanna’s teapots

She collected so many over the decades

She set them out amongst a myriad other memorabilia

Those dusty shelves crowded

In a wrong, but somehow so right, random, bohemian display

 

I remember brown boxes of Cadbury Chocolate

Factory cast offs Nanna had bought

I remember those jars of colourful Boiled Sweets

Those packets of English Toffees

And those bags of Liquorice All Sorts

 

It was Nanna who introduced me to the art of shopping

She took me to “vintage” stores galore

While Nanna searched for second hand trinkets

I discovered clothes and shoes and hats

Eclectic styles from years past, to mix and match, and explore

 

I close my eyes and hear Nanna’s soft English accent

It coloured every word she would say

Her kind and mild way of speaking

“Dook” she would call me

In that unique Derbyshire way

 

I remember constantly asking Nanna: “How old are you?”

And to my consternation and grief

She’d always reply with a twinkle:

“I’m as old as my tongue

And a little bit older than my teeth”

 

But there were times that Nanna was not so gentle

Like when she had pruning shears in hand

I remember her ruthlessly attacking

A defenceless bush in our front yard

Hacking away until only a stump was left to stand

 

Then there was the way she played scrabble

How competitive she would get!

Like she’d swallowed a dictionary

She’d thrash you soundly on triple word scores

And then off she’d go to bed

 

I remember Mom once laughed relating

About the time Nanna had a hankering to buy some Llamas

“You have a big back yard Jean” she said “there’s plenty of room”

I don’t know why Mom said no, it really could’ve been a thing

Lucy and Jean – Kingston’s suburban Llama farmers

 

Then there was the time Nanna got her ears pierced

Long dangly hooked earrings and all!

I remember being so impressed

Whoever had such a Nanna?

It was just way too cool!

 

There are so many memories:

Nanna’s false teeth grossing me out, sitting in a glass

How she called Mick “Mickey” on the first day they met

Her gentle smile, her hair when it was black

Nanna teaching me how to play draughts

 

But mostly it’s a feeling I remember

No matter where I’d roam

No matter where I’d go

Nanna was the place

The place that meant home

 

Memories are a gift

Something no one can take away

They grow richer in the face of sorrow

They grow more precious

They become history that defeats the grave

 

I am grateful that I have these memories

Though right now my eyes tear and mist

I miss Nanna

And I’ll miss her for a while

For now, my Nanna’s gone to rest

 

But I know one day soon Nanna will awake

On that day she’ll be vibrant and strong

She’ll once again plant beautiful, messy, rambling gardens

She’ll get to be that Llama farmer

And she’ll listen as her Canary sings a happy welcoming song

 

I picture Nanna showing her great great great grandchildren

How to play draughts, how to prune a tree

How to knit socks, how not to suck at scrabble

And relating tales and stories

Of how life in the old world used to be

 

Yes, Lilacs for Lucy

Lilacs blooming so delicately

A hardy tree with a beautiful flower

That will grow and thrive

And live to eternity

 

 

Rach

25 July 2015

 

 

– See you again soon Nanna, with all my love, Rach

John 5:28,29 –  Revelation:21:4 – John 11:11-44

 

 

 


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Tears We Never Shed

Tears quote for word press - skinny

 

 

 

Tears We Never Shed

 

 

 

Some tears we cry but never shed

We just bury them as deep as we can instead

 

Until the day the flood gates open

And we pour out all the grief that was never spoken

 

Grief for all that we’ve seen

For all the hurt

For all of what could’ve been

Pushed down and repressed in our crying heart

Till it over flows and finally bursts apart

 

On that day we spell it out

Give voice to the woe

Put it where it deserves to be

Where it needs to go

 

Sometimes it’s the deepest hurts

The ones we can’t do anything about

That we refuse to look at

We refuse to feel

To cry

To shout

 

But as we say the words and cry the tears

As we feel the pain

We shed our fears

 

With nothing more to hold inside

We can finally breathe

We feel a new wind on our face

Give sorrow a reprieve

 

Like a candle glowing in the dark

Like the day that follows night

We will find the way again

We will find the light

 

Then we can look back

In memory and not in pain

Look back with wisdom at times that will never come again

 

The hurt dissipates once all the tears are gone

And rainbow skies appear

So bright

So clear

 

And your heart moves on

 

 

 

Rach

2011

 

 

Awake! March 2014 “Your Mysterious Tears”

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201403/your-mysterious-tears/

 

 


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A Survivors Tale

 

 

It was the silence quote

 

 

A Survivors Tale

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I think I’m over it

I am sure I’m in repair

But then something stirs and shows me

The old wounds still fester

The old wounds are all still there

 

 

Memories slink in hidden corners

Ghost ships rising from silty graves

Nightmares resurrected

And it’s me they come to torture

It’s me they still enslave

 

 

You have no right! I scream

You have no right! I rage

You took your pound of flesh

Before I put flame to your sails

Before I broke free from your deep, dark cage

 

 

I fight you – still you come

I hate you – still you stay

Time after time I slay you

Why won’t you be done?

Why won’t you die where you lay?

 

 

I have my armor

I have my shield

Love is mine, mine forever

I know who I am

I know what is and isn’t real

 

 

But still you rise

Still you cut me

You pursue me like hound and hare

You take my truth and give me lies

You take my fear and gut me

 

 

I do not deserve this

I do not deserve to bleed

I was their scapegoat

They left me alone, they tied me up

They let the vultures feed

 

 

Charm and fire and whispers

Agendas and politics and pretence

Feathers caught in a whirlwind

Blown to kingdom come

Scattered to where there can be no defense

 

 

Faces of flint and backs of stone

Turned as one, turned to go

Bargains struck, deals made

Pouring oil on my burning pain

Fanning the flames of my woe

 

 

Where the balm and binding?

Where the healing hand?

Where the staff and crook?

Where the voice of reason?

Where the firm place to stand?

 

 

Nowhere

 

Nowhere the comfort and brace

Nowhere the wisdom

Nowhere the faith

Nowhere the all embracing grace

 

Nowhere

 

 

Those memories are the knives that cut

The stinging truths that make me sick

That is where the nightmares linger

Those cuts were deep

Those cuts still drip

 

 

So the Ghosts are going to win a while

Sunken ships shall rise and sail

And slinking memories will find me

Where the wounds still weep

Where I hide and shake and quail

 

 

This is my stake

This is the hammer and the nail

This is their creation

This is my story

This is what lies behind the veil

 

This is a survivor’s tale

 

 

 

Rach

2014

 

 

 

 

“Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.” 

Jennifer Yane

 

 

“An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation,

nor does truth become error because nobody sees it”

Mahatma Gandhi

 

 

“’Now I know what a ghost is,’ he thought. ‘Unfinished business, that’s what.’ “

Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

 

 

“Thoughts shut up want air,
And spoil, like bales unopened to the sun.”
– Edward Young, Night Thoughts

 

 

“Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you’re just a reflection of him?”

– Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

 

 

Reality bites… and doesn’t let go.” – Anon

 



“There is no ghost so difficult to lay as the ghost of an injury.”

– Alexander Smith

 

 

 

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.”

– Stephen King

 

 

 

too tight shoes

 

 

 

 


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Out That Door

Out that door - poem

 

 

Out That Door

 

 

 

 

 

When you walked away

When you walked out that door

I thought my life was over

Thought I’d sorrow forever more

I would sit alone and cry

My heart in pieces in my hand

Too tired to fight

Too broken to stand

 

 

I gave it all

Gave my life, my soul, my heart

Gave you everything

All I had, right from the start

I would have given my life

If it meant saving yours

You were the reason

You were the cause

 

 

I lived for your smile

Lived for your laugh and love

I thought we were forever

Thought we would rise above

But I was wrong

You never loved me

I was blinded

A fool who just couldn’t see

 

 

Love isn’t love

When it intentionally causes pain

Love doesn’t think only of self

Only about what it can gain

Love keeps on trying

Love gives more than it takes

Love tries to make better

The other persons heart aches

 

 

But that wasn’t you

It was always only me

And it took a heart stabbed over and over

Before I could see

You gave me away

In the blink of an eye

Left me alone

Left love to fade away and die

 

 

You didn’t care

You didn’t think of my pain

You left me there

Left me in the cold dark rain

I was a shadow

A nothingness in your mind

A muted voice

When it came to me – you were blind

 

 

But life is never over

For a heart that is true

There is always a tomorrow

Always a new and more beautiful view

I find now I’m wiser

And I’m braver

And when I look back at you

I see now – you did me a favor

 

 

When you went your way

With selfish abandon

You opened to me to a future

I had never planned on

Freed of your shackles

I wandered confused and blind

Until I stumbled heedlessly into love

The forever after kind

 

 

The sweetest snare

The most comfortable place

I could finally see a future

Written in every line of that face

I could see with a new clarity

And now I know

How the rest of my story

Is sure to go

 

 

No more tears and pain

No more pointless tomorrow

Nothing to doubt

Nothing to sorrow

A love that’s true

Radiant and real

With a man not afraid

To feel what I feel

 

 

I’ve found my home

So easy, so free

A place where I can breathe

Where I can truly be me

A hand to hold

Through every dark winters night

A voice to laugh with

When life’s sun is smilingly bright

 

 

A heart that sings

In tune with mine

A soul that brings a beat

To all my rhyme

Eyes that can see

Straight through to my heart

Beside me every day

Even if oceans should keep us apart

 

 

This is the end of a story

An epic tale

Where the good triumph

As the evil fail

Heroes struggle to the end

Through despair and night

Through many dark perils

Until they find the light

 

 

I struggled in loneliness

Wrapped up in a mask

Ten years of not knowing

Which questions to ask

Ten years of despair

Disguised with a laugh

Stumbling blindfolded

Groping along an impossible path

 

 

And even before that

I longed to roam

For I always felt like an outcast

In the place I called home

They never really knew me

They just passed on by

And I always knew

I had to go, had to fly

 

 

For I knew out there

Somewhere under the same moon

Some one was looking up

Asking God for a boon

Under some distant set of stars

Someone was asking for me

Calling out across

Some storm tossed sea

 

 

I heard that call

But on my way to him

I came across you

And I fell to your whim

I followed you down

Through valleys of thorn and mire

Through howling storms

And searing fire

 

 

But now I’m on the other side

Looking back through the pain

A phoenix rising

Born from the ashes and flame

I am grateful

For all the lessons you taught me

Thank you for where I am

Thank you for where you’ve brought me

 

 

I can’t regret the past

The when and the how

For look at the outcome

Look at me now

I’ve found my future

I know who I am

I’ve faced the good and the bad

And I know how to stand

 

 

I’ve found my love

I’ve found where I belong

For I found that soul

That was calling out to me all along

Now I’m never alone

Never again anymore

So thanks be to you

For walking out that door

 

 

Rach

2008

 

Out that door - ryan murphy quote

 

 

“Trust in Jehovah and do what is good;

Reside in the earth, and act with faithfulness.

Find exquisite delight in Jehovah,

And he will grant you the desires of your heart.”

– Psalm 37:3-4, David, Son of Jess

 

 

“When one door closes another door opens;

but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door,

that we do not see the ones which open for us. “

– Alexander Graham Bell

 

 

“Finish each day and be done with it. 

You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in;

forget them as soon as you can. 

Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely

and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

“Hope begins in the dark,

the stubborn hope that if you just show up

and try to do the right thing,

the dawn will come”

– Anne Lamott

 

 

“The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four.  Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.”

– Winston Churchill

 

 

“Your heart has been sore wounded too.

Dear Light, love shall cherish you,

till you again look on life with happy eyes.”

– Byron Caldwell Smith, letter to Kate Stephens

 

 


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Just Be There

 

Just be there - long collage

 

 

 

Just Be There

 

 

 

 

I don’t know why

But I feel so sad

Those old demons

Have got me bad

 

 

There’s a big black cloud

Hanging over my head

It’s telling me I should

Just stay in bed

 

 

I don’t understand

Why I feel this way

But I wish the whole world

Would just go away

 

 

No one wants to see

The sadness inside

So behind my smile

I’ll let it hide

 

 

They don’t want to hear

The tears I shed

So they fall in silence

And I laugh instead

 

 

They don’t look too close

In case they see

The sorrow and fear

Still alive in me

 

 

It’s uncomfortable to face

Another’s pain

It’s easier just to leave

Them alone in the rain

 

 

They want me to be

Happy and light

They want me to say

I’m fine every thing is alright

 

 

But it’s too hard 

To always be the happy clown

Eventually the happy

Just brings you down

 

 

The end of a life

Is something to mourn

Dreams ripped apart

A gaping hole torn

 

 

The final last breath

Of a very good thing

Is like the bitter cold of winter

Not a bright sunny spring

 

 

Some stories are tragic

Their endings are vile

And you can’t make it better

With a laugh and a smile

 

 

You can’t replace a broken life

Over night

You can’t take all the wrong

And make it instantly right

 

 

You can’t rebuild a broken heart

With a hammer and nail

There are no quick miracle cures

For the deep wounds of betrayal

 

 

Sorrow takes time to abate

And fear to allay

And the scars from those jaggered wounds

May never truly fade away

 

 

Tomorrow is on its way

It will inevitably come

And with it

The rising of a bright new sun

 

 

And I’ll most likely smile

When I see that dawn

And I’ll feel like laughing

When I bask in all the golden warm

 

 

But today I’m sad

And I’m in pain

And I’m standing with my face

Turned up to feel the cold cold rain

 

 

And I’ll feel it all

And want to cry

So if you ask me

Don’t expect a lie

 

 

Don’t tell me to laugh

To be happy and smile

Just tell me

You’ll stand by me a while

 

 

 

All you have to do

If you truly care

Is take my hand

And just be there

 

 

 

Rach

2007