A Raconteur Girl Production

Posts tagged “sorrow


Lilacs for Lucy


Resting Under Lilacs Collage


Lilacs for Lucy



Lilacs for Lucy

Blooming so delicately

Nanna didn’t want flowers

Who wants flowers

When you can have a whole tree?


A bouquet may be lovely

But as soon as its cut – it’s dying

A tree is the opposite

Growing, breathing

Part of creation, thriving


So it’s Lilacs for Lucy

It’s a tree for my Nanna

A tree for your Mum

A tree for your Friend

A tree for your Great Grandmother


When I think of Nanna

I picture a garden home

Messy, rambling, beautiful

Where veggies are planted next to flowers

And where wild nasturtiums roam


Green through and through

From her thumbs to her toes

Like a Hobbit from Derbyshire

It seemed to me

Things grow wherever Nanna goes


Walking in her garden I hear a canary whistle

Then break into trilling song

I hear the soft shuffle of quails

And the flutter of finches

Chirping and dancing along


I see Nanna sitting by a fire

Lost in knit and pearl

Her needles click clacking away

She’s making warm woollen socks

For some lucky little girl


Other times I see her wearing black rimmed glasses

Engrossed in a riveting tale

A cup of tea poured

But then forgotten

Growing cold on the table


Will I see Nanna again?

Sitting peaceful by her fire once more?

Yes, I know I will

But in the meantime I have my memories

And the stories passed down from days of yore


(Ok, so maybe I exaggerate

They’re not exactly days of Yore

More like days of yesteryear.

No? Still insulting? Ok, sorry. I’ll be more specific:

The days of Mom, Uncle Tom, Uncle Mike and Uncle George

😉  )


I remember being fascinated by Nanna’s teapots

She collected so many over the decades

She set them out amongst a myriad other memorabilia

Those dusty shelves crowded

In a wrong, but somehow so right, random, bohemian display


I remember brown boxes of Cadbury Chocolate

Factory cast offs Nanna had bought

I remember those jars of colourful Boiled Sweets

Those packets of English Toffees

And those bags of Liquorice All Sorts


It was Nanna who introduced me to the art of shopping

She took me to “vintage” stores galore

While Nanna searched for second hand trinkets

I discovered clothes and shoes and hats

Eclectic styles from years past, to mix and match, and explore


I close my eyes and hear Nanna’s soft English accent

It coloured every word she would say

Her kind and mild way of speaking

“Dook” she would call me

In that unique Derbyshire way


I remember constantly asking Nanna: “How old are you?”

And to my consternation and grief

She’d always reply with a twinkle:

“I’m as old as my tongue

And a little bit older than my teeth”


But there were times that Nanna was not so gentle

Like when she had pruning shears in hand

I remember her ruthlessly attacking

A defenceless bush in our front yard

Hacking away until only a stump was left to stand


Then there was the way she played scrabble

How competitive she would get!

Like she’d swallowed a dictionary

She’d thrash you soundly on triple word scores

And then off she’d go to bed


I remember Mom once laughed relating

About the time Nanna had a hankering to buy some Llamas

“You have a big back yard Jean” she said “there’s plenty of room”

I don’t know why Mom said no, it really could’ve been a thing

Lucy and Jean – Kingston’s suburban Llama farmers


Then there was the time Nanna got her ears pierced

Long dangly hooked earrings and all!

I remember being so impressed

Whoever had such a Nanna?

It was just way too cool!


There are so many memories:

Nanna’s false teeth grossing me out, sitting in a glass

How she called Mick “Mickey” on the first day they met

Her gentle smile, her hair when it was black

Nanna teaching me how to play draughts


But mostly it’s a feeling I remember

No matter where I’d roam

No matter where I’d go

Nanna was the place

The place that meant home


Memories are a gift

Something no one can take away

They grow richer in the face of sorrow

They grow more precious

They become history that defeats the grave


I am grateful that I have these memories

Though right now my eyes tear and mist

I miss Nanna

And I’ll miss her for a while

For now, my Nanna’s gone to rest


But I know one day soon Nanna will awake

On that day she’ll be vibrant and strong

She’ll once again plant beautiful, messy, rambling gardens

She’ll get to be that Llama farmer

And she’ll listen as her Canary sings a happy welcoming song


I picture Nanna showing her great great great grandchildren

How to play draughts, how to prune a tree

How to knit socks, how not to suck at scrabble

And relating tales and stories

Of how life in the old world used to be


Yes, Lilacs for Lucy

Lilacs blooming so delicately

A hardy tree with a beautiful flower

That will grow and thrive

And live to eternity




25 July 2015



– See you again soon Nanna, with all my love, Rach

John 5:28,29 –  Revelation:21:4 – John 11:11-44






Tears We Never Shed

Tears quote for word press - skinny




Tears We Never Shed




Some tears we cry but never shed

We just bury them as deep as we can instead


Until the day the flood gates open

And we pour out all the grief that was never spoken


Grief for all that we’ve seen

For all the hurt

For all of what could’ve been

Pushed down and repressed in our crying heart

Till it over flows and finally bursts apart


On that day we spell it out

Give voice to the woe

Put it where it deserves to be

Where it needs to go


Sometimes it’s the deepest hurts

The ones we can’t do anything about

That we refuse to look at

We refuse to feel

To cry

To shout


But as we say the words and cry the tears

As we feel the pain

We shed our fears


With nothing more to hold inside

We can finally breathe

We feel a new wind on our face

Give sorrow a reprieve


Like a candle glowing in the dark

Like the day that follows night

We will find the way again

We will find the light


Then we can look back

In memory and not in pain

Look back with wisdom at times that will never come again


The hurt dissipates once all the tears are gone

And rainbow skies appear

So bright

So clear


And your heart moves on








Awake! March 2014 “Your Mysterious Tears”





Out That Door

Out that door - poem



Out That Door






When you walked away

When you walked out that door

I thought my life was over

Thought I’d sorrow forever more

I would sit alone and cry

My heart in pieces in my hand

Too tired to fight

Too broken to stand



I gave it all

Gave my life, my soul, my heart

Gave you everything

All I had, right from the start

I would have given my life

If it meant saving yours

You were the reason

You were the cause



I lived for your smile

Lived for your laugh and love

I thought we were forever

Thought we would rise above

But I was wrong

You never loved me

I was blinded

A fool who just couldn’t see



Love isn’t love

When it intentionally causes pain

Love doesn’t think only of self

Only about what it can gain

Love keeps on trying

Love gives more than it takes

Love tries to make better

The other persons heart aches



But that wasn’t you

It was always only me

And it took a heart stabbed over and over

Before I could see

You gave me away

In the blink of an eye

Left me alone

Left love to fade away and die



You didn’t care

You didn’t think of my pain

You left me there

Left me in the cold dark rain

I was a shadow

A nothingness in your mind

A muted voice

When it came to me – you were blind



But life is never over

For a heart that is true

There is always a tomorrow

Always a new and more beautiful view

I find now I’m wiser

And I’m braver

And when I look back at you

I see now – you did me a favor



When you went your way

With selfish abandon

You opened to me to a future

I had never planned on

Freed of your shackles

I wandered confused and blind

Until I stumbled heedlessly into love

The forever after kind



The sweetest snare

The most comfortable place

I could finally see a future

Written in every line of that face

I could see with a new clarity

And now I know

How the rest of my story

Is sure to go



No more tears and pain

No more pointless tomorrow

Nothing to doubt

Nothing to sorrow

A love that’s true

Radiant and real

With a man not afraid

To feel what I feel



I’ve found my home

So easy, so free

A place where I can breathe

Where I can truly be me

A hand to hold

Through every dark winters night

A voice to laugh with

When life’s sun is smilingly bright



A heart that sings

In tune with mine

A soul that brings a beat

To all my rhyme

Eyes that can see

Straight through to my heart

Beside me every day

Even if oceans should keep us apart



This is the end of a story

An epic tale

Where the good triumph

As the evil fail

Heroes struggle to the end

Through despair and night

Through many dark perils

Until they find the light



I struggled in loneliness

Wrapped up in a mask

Ten years of not knowing

Which questions to ask

Ten years of despair

Disguised with a laugh

Stumbling blindfolded

Groping along an impossible path



And even before that

I longed to roam

For I always felt like an outcast

In the place I called home

They never really knew me

They just passed on by

And I always knew

I had to go, had to fly



For I knew out there

Somewhere under the same moon

Some one was looking up

Asking God for a boon

Under some distant set of stars

Someone was asking for me

Calling out across

Some storm tossed sea



I heard that call

But on my way to him

I came across you

And I fell to your whim

I followed you down

Through valleys of thorn and mire

Through howling storms

And searing fire



But now I’m on the other side

Looking back through the pain

A phoenix rising

Born from the ashes and flame

I am grateful

For all the lessons you taught me

Thank you for where I am

Thank you for where you’ve brought me



I can’t regret the past

The when and the how

For look at the outcome

Look at me now

I’ve found my future

I know who I am

I’ve faced the good and the bad

And I know how to stand



I’ve found my love

I’ve found where I belong

For I found that soul

That was calling out to me all along

Now I’m never alone

Never again anymore

So thanks be to you

For walking out that door






Out that door - ryan murphy quote



“Trust in Jehovah and do what is good;

Reside in the earth, and act with faithfulness.

Find exquisite delight in Jehovah,

And he will grant you the desires of your heart.”

– Psalm 37:3-4, David, Son of Jess



“When one door closes another door opens;

but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door,

that we do not see the ones which open for us. “

– Alexander Graham Bell



“Finish each day and be done with it. 

You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in;

forget them as soon as you can. 

Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely

and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson



“Hope begins in the dark,

the stubborn hope that if you just show up

and try to do the right thing,

the dawn will come”

– Anne Lamott



“The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four.  Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.”

– Winston Churchill



“Your heart has been sore wounded too.

Dear Light, love shall cherish you,

till you again look on life with happy eyes.”

– Byron Caldwell Smith, letter to Kate Stephens




No More, No More

No more no more


No More, No More



This is the last time

A last encore

No more weeping for you

No more, no more

Every time I think

That my tears are done

I find myself on the floor

As the salt water runs

Running down my face

Washing everything away

Away every memory

Of every happy day

Falling into oblivion

Falling running pouring down

Emotions pooling on the ground

A life left there to drown

This is the last time

I promise I swear

The jar is empty

The cupboard is bare

A life stripped down

And swept away

Nothing left to lose

Nothing to give away

Promises that were given

Were given in vain

A heart afflicted

Afflicted again and again

Sliding and falling

Slip sliding away

Hope sighing and whispering

And then fading away

I was wrong so wrong

Wrong in every way

Truth a fearsome warrior

That memories slay

A life slaughtered

Mourned without a wake

Nothing left to give

Nothing left to take

Nothing left but dust

Dust and decay

And when summer rains fall

Its all washed away

Now crying eyes are tired

Tired and sore

Every emotion has washed them

Washed them red raw

So this is the last time

Tears will stain this floor

No more weeping for you

No more, no more








“Do not give what is holy to dogs

Nor throw your pearls before swine,

So that they may never trample them under their feet

And turn around and rip you open.”

– Jesus Christ, Matthew 7:6




The Clanging Bell


The Clanging Bell




The Clanging Bell




There’s darkness in your heart tonight

You feel like giving up

You feel like giving in

You’ve forgotten why you’re struggling

Against the tide you’re in



You’ve been trying to hold on

But now all you want is to let go

Want not to have to care

For you know it really wouldn’t matter

If one day you just weren’t there



Everything is wrong

And you need to hide away

You need to disappear

Because you don’t know if you can take

Any more of the things

You’ve been forced to hear



You took all their torture

As they crushed your broken heart to pulp

But now enough is enough

You just don’t think you can bear anymore

You really aren’t that tough



One more stab from the past

One more day full of worry

One more nightmare all alone

You just can’t see anymore

Hope dies a little more

With everything you’re shown



Pain stabbing deep and hard

Throbbing numbly through your soul

There in lives heartache beyond all grief

And you know you can’t go on

You need to find some relief



They say that you’ll be fine

They tell you to keep your chin up

These things pass away in time

But what does that mean for right now?

It’s just a stupid line



They can’t understand what they can’t see

No one can see the darkness at night

Nor falling tears in the rain

That’s why they can’t fathom

The endless ocean of your pain


You thought you knew

You thought you understood

Then the picture changed

And everything you ever believed

Got all rearranged



When love is betrayed and all goodness turns to ash

You watch helplessly

As your safe world crashes and tears and rips

And everything you thought was still yours

Is blown away and disappears in tiny little bits



So take a life

And tear it up

Then sprinkle it with tears

And tell me when the nightmare ends

What grows from all your fears?



What if there is no end?

What if you can’t wake up?

What if the nightmare goes on and on?

What if there’s no way off

The horror merry-go-round you’re on?



Who will ease the gnawing ache?

Who will wake you up and hold you tight?

Who will put a stop to all the pain?

Who will take your hand and help you leap

From that careening run away train?



You know the answer

You know the truth

You know it well

All these years you thought you had love

But all you had was a clanging bell



Lying lips

Playing your heart three moves ahead

Words designed to deceive

You should have heard it coming

But you refused to believe



Friendships dissolved

Disappeared in a day

Melted away like snow in the rain

Not made of stuff that could survive

When the avalanche came



Hiding their own guilt

Behind facades of righteousness

Binding you in their bitter angry cords

As self-righteous hypocritical tongues

Turned into stabbing swords



You couldn’t look ahead

You didn’t know it would be like that

You had no idea

Left out in the cold and the rain

Left behind with your wounds and your fear



So there you stand in a place of mourning

Your tears watering the grass beneath your feet

As you place flowers beside a stone

And you’re alone

All alone



Sorrow wrapped in bewilderment

Truth making a mockery of memory

Memories making knowledge unbearable

Nothing hurts like the cold naked truth

If only hope lent you garments that were wearable












“Hope is the feeling we have

that the feeling we have

is not permanent”

– Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook




The One


The One



The One





He’s gonna break your heart

You just know it

Your face might wear a mask

But you’re pretty sure your words show it



He’s gonna make you cry

You just feel it

And what if the wound goes too deep this time

For your heart to heal it?




He’s gonna make you shatter

You can already tell

Cos Your heart is so tied to Him

Nothing can break the spell




He’s gonna bring you to despair

You can already see

But your heart keeps you standing there

Though your mind tells you to turn and flee




He’s gonna leave you wondering why

You know already

Cos His words you’ve come to trust

Without any guarantee that his heart is steady




He’s gonna be your bitterest regret

You know beyond a doubt

Because your heart can’t turn away

No matter how loud your instincts try to shout




He’s gonna be your sweetest sorrow

You know in your heart

Because you already dream of a time

You won’t ever have to be apart




He’s gonna be the unrequited love

You’ll  forever picture in your mind

Because He’s the one

Your drifting heart will somehow always find.










“There are times

When fear is good.

It must keep its

Watchful place

At the hearts controls”

– Aeschylus