The Decision
THE DECISION
No.
No more.
Never again.
I’m making a choice.
I’ve made the decision.
I’m taking back control.
I’m taking back my life.
I’m shutting you out.
I’m done letting you in.
In my life.
In my head.
Casting doubt.
Stabbing my heart.
Taking my sleep.
Stealing my smile.
Shaking my confidence.
Destroying my dignity.
Breaking me down.
Who are you to do that to me?
What am I if I let you?
You’re dust on a mantle.
You’re a gust of hot wind.
You’re a bad day.
And you’re done.
You’re gone.
No more.
No.
Rach
2015
“Look! The nations are like a drop from a bucket, and as a film of dust on the scales they are regarded. Look! He lifts up the islands like fine dust…
Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told to you from the beginning? Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
There is one who dwells above the circle of the earth, and it’s inhabitants are like grasshoppers… He reduces high officials to nothing and makes the judges of the earth an unreality…
“To whom can you liken me to make me his equal?” says the Holy One. “Lift up your eyes and see. Who has created these things? It is the One who brings out their army by number; He calls them all by name. Because of his vast dynamic energy and his awe-inspiring power, not one of them is missing…
Why do you say, O Jacob… ‘My way is hidden from Jehovah, and I receive no justice from God’?
Do you not know? Have you not heard? Jehovah, the Creator of the ends of the earth, is a God for all eternity. He never tires out or grows weary. His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the tired one and full might to those lacking strength. Boys will tire out and grow weary, and young men will stumble and fall.
But those hoping in Jehovah will regain power. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary; They will walk and not tire out.”
– Isaiah 44:15-31
Lilacs for Lucy
Lilacs for Lucy
Lilacs for Lucy
Blooming so delicately
Nanna didn’t want flowers
Who wants flowers
When you can have a whole tree?
A bouquet may be lovely
But as soon as its cut – it’s dying
A tree is the opposite
Growing, breathing
Part of creation, thriving
So it’s Lilacs for Lucy
It’s a tree for my Nanna
A tree for your Mum
A tree for your Friend
A tree for your Great Grandmother
When I think of Nanna
I picture a garden home
Messy, rambling, beautiful
Where veggies are planted next to flowers
And where wild nasturtiums roam
Green through and through
From her thumbs to her toes
Like a Hobbit from Derbyshire
It seemed to me
Things grow wherever Nanna goes
Walking in her garden I hear a canary whistle
Then break into trilling song
I hear the soft shuffle of quails
And the flutter of finches
Chirping and dancing along
I see Nanna sitting by a fire
Lost in knit and pearl
Her needles click clacking away
She’s making warm woollen socks
For some lucky little girl
Other times I see her wearing black rimmed glasses
Engrossed in a riveting tale
A cup of tea poured
But then forgotten
Growing cold on the table
Will I see Nanna again?
Sitting peaceful by her fire once more?
Yes, I know I will
But in the meantime I have my memories
And the stories passed down from days of yore
(Ok, so maybe I exaggerate
They’re not exactly days of Yore
More like days of yesteryear.
No? Still insulting? Ok, sorry. I’ll be more specific:
The days of Mom, Uncle Tom, Uncle Mike and Uncle George
😉 )
I remember being fascinated by Nanna’s teapots
She collected so many over the decades
She set them out amongst a myriad other memorabilia
Those dusty shelves crowded
In a wrong, but somehow so right, random, bohemian display
I remember brown boxes of Cadbury Chocolate
Factory cast offs Nanna had bought
I remember those jars of colourful Boiled Sweets
Those packets of English Toffees
And those bags of Liquorice All Sorts
It was Nanna who introduced me to the art of shopping
She took me to “vintage” stores galore
While Nanna searched for second hand trinkets
I discovered clothes and shoes and hats
Eclectic styles from years past, to mix and match, and explore
I close my eyes and hear Nanna’s soft English accent
It coloured every word she would say
Her kind and mild way of speaking
“Dook” she would call me
In that unique Derbyshire way
I remember constantly asking Nanna: “How old are you?”
And to my consternation and grief
She’d always reply with a twinkle:
“I’m as old as my tongue
And a little bit older than my teeth”
But there were times that Nanna was not so gentle
Like when she had pruning shears in hand
I remember her ruthlessly attacking
A defenceless bush in our front yard
Hacking away until only a stump was left to stand
Then there was the way she played scrabble
How competitive she would get!
Like she’d swallowed a dictionary
She’d thrash you soundly on triple word scores
And then off she’d go to bed
I remember Mom once laughed relating
About the time Nanna had a hankering to buy some Llamas
“You have a big back yard Jean” she said “there’s plenty of room”
I don’t know why Mom said no, it really could’ve been a thing
Lucy and Jean – Kingston’s suburban Llama farmers
Then there was the time Nanna got her ears pierced
Long dangly hooked earrings and all!
I remember being so impressed
Whoever had such a Nanna?
It was just way too cool!
There are so many memories:
Nanna’s false teeth grossing me out, sitting in a glass
How she called Mick “Mickey” on the first day they met
Her gentle smile, her hair when it was black
Nanna teaching me how to play draughts
But mostly it’s a feeling I remember
No matter where I’d roam
No matter where I’d go
Nanna was the place
The place that meant home
Memories are a gift
Something no one can take away
They grow richer in the face of sorrow
They grow more precious
They become history that defeats the grave
I am grateful that I have these memories
Though right now my eyes tear and mist
I miss Nanna
And I’ll miss her for a while
For now, my Nanna’s gone to rest
But I know one day soon Nanna will awake
On that day she’ll be vibrant and strong
She’ll once again plant beautiful, messy, rambling gardens
She’ll get to be that Llama farmer
And she’ll listen as her Canary sings a happy welcoming song
I picture Nanna showing her great great great grandchildren
How to play draughts, how to prune a tree
How to knit socks, how not to suck at scrabble
And relating tales and stories
Of how life in the old world used to be
Yes, Lilacs for Lucy
Lilacs blooming so delicately
A hardy tree with a beautiful flower
That will grow and thrive
And live to eternity
Rach
25 July 2015
– See you again soon Nanna, with all my love, Rach
John 5:28,29 – Revelation:21:4 – John 11:11-44
Do Over
Do Over
I want a do over
Please
Can I?
I want to take back
Those words I didn’t say
Those things I didn’t do
I want to stop the tide
I want to have you by my side
I want a do over
I want to take back
The time I didn’t try
I want to take back
When I didn’t dry those tears
You didn’t cry
I want to take back
The things I didn’t see
But should have
I want to have you here
Here where you should be
I want you to know
It wasn’t that I didn’t care
It was that I didn’t realise
I didn’t see
I didn’t hear
You needed me
I was in so much of my own pain
I couldn’t feel anything else
I couldn’t see beyond
I was numb
I was deaf, mute and dumb
But I should have seen
I should have been
Your friend
I should have thought
I should have caught
Your despair
I should have known
I should have shown
I care
But I was too late, you were too far
And now here we are
I want a do over
Back in time
Back before
Back to then
I’ll see, I’ll listen
I’ll realise
And if I don’t
I’ll scream at myself
Until I do
I’ll feel
I’ll be your friend
Like I should have been back then
I’ll defend
I want a do over
Rach
2015
“Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk.” – Susan Scarf Merrell
“Our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago — the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider…. It doesn’t seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we’ve travelled.” – Jane Mersky Leder
“It was nice growing up with someone like you — someone to lean on, someone to count on… someone to tell on!” – Anon
Trust
Trust
Much more observant than I seem
I see all the in between
I know what lies behind the words
I see the nouns in the verbs
I’ve seen the signs and heard the tales
I know how the wind can fill those sails
When gossip blows no anchor can hold and stay
And a reputation is simply blown away
Critical tongues cut and rake
As their pound of flesh they take
They don’t regard the pain they cause
As salt they pour on still festering sores
Trying to prove superior by critical talk
Is like trying to carve a stone with chalk
It’s pointless and useless and it doesn’t work
All it ever achieves is hurt
Jealousy is a devouring beast
When it finds a target, it finds a feast
It picks and pokes and whips, until it draws blood
And what begins as a trickle, all too soon becomes a flood
So I look and listen and I take note
And I don’t jump on just any boat
I don’t give my trust to those without heart
If I see them coming, I depart
For I’m not as young as you might think
I’ve stood upon hell’s fiery brink
I’ve been to the war and seen the slain
I’ve seen how lies kill and maim
Deep as a well inside this skin
The clown facade is light and thin
Serious lurks just beneath
A vigilant warrior against any fickle thief
The vague is just a disguise I wear
A shield against what I cannot bear
Knowledge burns behind tired eyes
Experience has left them worldly wise
Seeing things that most would miss
Always expecting the Judas kiss
Hoping over and over to be wrong
Even as sound the first notes of that familiar song
Trust is given at great risk and cost
And trust is never ever simply lost
It departs like fireworks on a new years day
It bursts without warning and then fades away
As wreaths of sorrow for innocence we lay
It takes an odyssey to regain something still in decay
Born from the ashes of loss and grief
A shrewd phoenix rises from the fire with new belief
When the price of gaining wisdom has been betrayal
Born from life’s stinging hail
It’s difficult to let another in
It takes time to learn how to believe again
All too clearly you can see the coming pain
So you withdraw early from the game
You hide, you run, you disappear
You cloak yourself with a fake veneer
Sometimes you wish you didn’t know
You couldn’t see how things will go
That you were stupid and thick and dumb
That you hadn’t had to learn to run
That experience hadn’t given you new eyes
That you still believed all the lies
That you hadn’t lost those rose coloured glasses
That you still saw over every fence, greener grasses
Because although you have learnt to let go and forgive
To simply live and let live
You don’t expect anything from anyone anymore
Self sufficiency keeps the cold from the door
But when amongst the rocks you do find a gem
You treasure it for always, just as you did back then
The diamonds in your life are brighter than before
Because they’ve been through the fire and the war
The most beautiful diamond sparkling bright
Is the one you found on the deepest, darkest night
It’s the most valuable treasure of your life
Made indestructible through all the strife
A shiny new trust that will never fade
Born from standing beneath the blade
Faith and trust in your Father above
Hope, strong and solid in the God of all love
He’s there to carry you where you can’t walk
All the things He says are more than just talk
He’s shown you over and over, He will always be there
He will always come through, He will always care
Someday soon He will bring an end
To all the sorrow and grief, and the need to pretend
His world will bring a paradise of truth
Where you will be able to trust without proof
Where friends are real in word and deed
Where words are meant and can be believed
Where you never need fear to let yourself be known
For genuine people will be where ever you roam
Walls will come apart brick by brick
No matter how long they’ve been up, no matter how thick
A healing of souls long torn to shreds
As flowers bloom in what were once thorny beds
Tired eyes will smile on that day
I’ll open the doors and let the vigilance blow away
The clown will dance for real and not for fake
A heart free to love, without fearing to break
Trust will be reborn never to fade
No more wreaths will need ever more be laid
Jehovah will see and smile down from up above
As like mirrors we reflect his trust and indestructible love
Rach
2010
“Do not put your trust in princes. Nor in a son of man, who cannot bring salvation.”
– Ps 146:3
“Trust in Jehovah forever.”
– Isaiah 26:4
“Those knowing your name will trust in you; You will never abandon those seeking you, O Jehovah.”
– Ps 9:10
“The last thing we expect others to do, it’s the last thing they do before we learn we cannot trust them.”
― Lauren Kate, Teardrop
“Ultimately, there can be no complete healing until we have restored our primal trust in life.”
― Georg Feuerstein
“Once she had loved Prince Joffrey with all her heart, and admired and trusted her his mother, the queen. They had repaid that love and trust with her father’s head. Sansa would never make that mistake again.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings
“Few delights can equal the mere presence of one whom we trust utterly.”
― George MacDonald
“In God we trust, all others we virus scan.”
– Anon
“For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
“A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essays: First Series
“Be silent and safe — silence never betrays you;
Be true to your word and your work and your friend;
Put least trust in him who is foremost to praise you,
Nor judge of a road till it draw to the end.”
― John Boyle O’Reilly, Life of John Boyle O’Reilly
“We’re paying the highest tribute you can pay a man. We trust him to do right. It’s that simple.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
“Trust starts with truth and ends with truth.”
― Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday
“But it does not seem that I can trust anyone,’ said Frodo.
Sam looked at him unhappily. ‘It all depends on what you want,’ put in Merry. ‘You can trust us to stick with you through thick and thin–to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours–closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
“The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends.”
― Cicero, De Senectute De Amicitia
“Trusting that you will some time or other do me greater justice than you can do now.”
― Jane Austen, Emma
“In those days we did not trust anyone who had not been in the war, but we did not
completely trust anyone.”
― Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast
“I lost my sense of trust, honesty and compassion. I crashed down and became what I consider an emotional mess. I’ve never been so miserable in my whole life. I just wanted to go to bed and never get up.”
― Shania Twain
“Never trust a man with a lunatic wife in an attic,” Richard told me. “And anyone named Heathcliff should make you suspicious.”
― John Irving, In One Person
“Kids are trusting and wise and I cannot think of a less useful combination to be born with. The wisdom lets children know who they are. And then the trust lets everyone else take that knowledge away.”
― Sean Wilsey, Oh the Glory of it All
“I resolved to tell my guardian that I doubted Orlick being the right sort of man to fill a post of trust at Miss Havisham’s. ‘Why of course he is not the right sort of man, Pip,’ said my guardian, comfortably satisfied beforehand on the general head, ‘because the man who fills the post of trust never is the right sort of man.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
“We should trust people to be exactly what they have proven themselves to be, no more and no less.”
― Ryan Winfield, South of Bixby Bridge
“Me, I’m dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it’s the honest ones you have to watch out for.”
― Johnny Depp
“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.”
― Steve Wozniak
“I go to movies expecting to have a whole experience. If I want a movie that doesn’t end, I’ll go to a French movie. That’s a betrayal of trust to me. A movie has to be complete within itself; it can’t just build off the first one or play variations.”
― Joss Whedon
“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosy… doesn’t try it on.”
― Billy Connolly
“I’ve always very earnestly tried to do my best, so I just have to trust that and forgive myself for being fallible.”
― Claire Danes
(Yep. Went a bit nuts with the quotes on this poem – 😛 There are just so many great ones. I guess trust is a common issue – making it a reoccurring theme through out history. ~ R )
Your Love
Your Love
I never felt truly free
Until I met you
I know you see me
See me for all that I am
You the only one who can
You can see through me
Through to my heart
You see all my pretend
You see all my good
You see me like no one else ever could
When I’m scared
You know; you care
You always tell me
The things I need to hear
You always vanish away all my fear
You’re the first person
To make me feel loved
You love me more
Than I love myself
There could never be anyone else
You make me feel
Like nothing I do matters
In that nothing I do
Could ever drive you away
You’re really here by my side to stay
With you I can fly
I can be who I am
I can say what I think
I am free just to be
Serious, silly, stupid, boring, sad, happy, me
I can tell you anything
Can tell you everything
And sometimes I can tell
You don’t know what to say
The important thing is you never turn away
The kindest soul
The sweetest person
You healed the hurt
Calmed the storm
You took all my cold and made it warm
When I look in the mirror
You’re the one I see
You’re standing beside me
Through every minute of everyday
Even if you’re half a world away
You hold my hand
In both of yours
You’re warm lips on mine
You hold me tight
Through every cold, dark and dreary night
My heart was crushed
But you’ve replaced it with yours
You’ve given me warmth
Given me a love I can’t describe
Your love has made me come alive
You are my haven
With you I feel safe
I trust you with it all
I give you my life; my heart
I trust you to forever and ever, never to part
Rach
2009
~ For Mickey D… with all my love!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!!!
Al
Al
I didn’t realize it
Until he went away
How much I’d miss him
How much I wish he could stay
Sitting at the airport
After saying goodbye
I suddenly felt
An overwhelming urge to cry
Al had made a real effort
When times had been bad
To help me get out
To keep me from getting too sad
He bought me a bike
He took me to soccer
And I know if he hadn’t cared
He really wouldn’t have bothered
We had some issues
A few problems earlier on
But we got over those
And learnt to get along
I found Al’s sense of humor
And love of good wine
Made him the best company
When I needed to unwind
And there isn’t a more passionate
Or fanatical football fan
Playing it and watching it
Whenever he can
But I love football
So that suited me too
And Al and I
Watched a live match or two
But our taste in movies
Is a little bit different
I like a happy ending
Whereas Al likes them deep and a bit bent
But we always enjoyed it
No matter how bad the movie turned out to be
The beer afterwards really helped us forget
The crap we’d wasted ten bucks to see
So even when it was hard
When all I wanted to do was cry
We still had fun together
Al and I
I realize now
Al was as hurt as me in his own way
He just didn’t say it as much
In that typical guy way
But now we are both doing well
Seems our wounds are healing
We understand each other better
We have more fellow feeling
Al’s a good guy
He’s a great brother
And I’m really happy that we have
More appreciation for each other
So it’s kind of sad
Now things are happy and everything is ok
To be so far apart
To be so far away
But I guess missing Al
Is better than not
Because at least it shows
We’ve both grown up a lot
I will always remember
That when the chips were down
Al was there for me
And helped me turn things around
That’s what family is for
That’s what brothers and sisters do
They give and forgive
And they love (erk choke argh spit) each other too
Rach
2009
~ for my brother and my friend, Al ~
“I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers.
It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage.
Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.”
– Maya Angelou
“After a girl is grown,
Her little brother
– Now her protector –
Seems more like a big brother.”
– Astrid Alauda
Sometimes
Sometimes
Sometimes we need a great big hug
To be shown a little love
Sometimes we need a kind word
To feel we’re really being heard
Sometimes we need to be known
To feel we’re not all alone
Sometimes we need to laugh out loud
To be a part of a happy crowd
Sometimes we need to unwind
To have a little chocolate a little wine
Sometimes we need to rise again
To see a beginning and not an end
Sometimes we need to stop pretence
To have a friend who won’t take offense
Sometimes we need others to look beneath
The skin and bone to the heart that beats
Sometimes we need to be understood
To be valued for all our good
Sometimes we need to be told
That we’re worth our weight in gold!
Rach
2008
The Way I Am
The Way I Am
The way I was
Is the way I am
Something you don’t seem
to understand
I haven’t changed
Though life’s moved on
I’m still the girl
You used to lean upon
I still feel the way
I always did
To live is to laugh
There’s nothing I’ve hid
We used to talk
We’d joke and play
I could spend time
With you all day
You’d pull a face
And I would grin
I knew I could trust you
with anything
It would take far more
Than a stormy day
To make me give up
Make me cast you away
My friends I care for
And treasure for life
I don’t discard them
In times of strife
So don’t forget me
I’m not far away
I’m still your friend
Believe what I say
So if you need a shoulder
Or a listening ear
Come on over
I’m waiting right here
Waiting to laugh
Wanting to play
Happy to see you
Hoping you’ll stay
Rach
2007
Breathe & Burn 
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